Monday, August 13, 2012

Long hiatus

Rest assured, I am not gone and my sex life continues to be nonexistent, as my children grow before my very eyes and my loins fill to the brim every day, with the ineluctable, cataclysmic releases at the end of a long, mesmerizing fog that's our reality.  D continues to be noncooperative.  Her latest excuse is "I need to work out."  Don't get me wrong, I like to have a fit and attractive woman.  But what I would like more is a fit and attractive wife who would put out.  As I jelqed myself to oblivion last night I cried a little.  Seriously.  Me, a full grown man.  You would never think it would be possible.  I look just like the next guy you know in the streets.  Regular joe.  Something is wrong with me and something is wrong with the way my life is going.

I saw my therapist again yesterday.  He told me that the decision would be mine to make, to take up that dreary, figurative ax and chop down the rambling thicket that has been my marriage.  Is the sexlessness a symptom or is a curse of a disease that is much greater.  As he elaborated and listened in silence, I started to imagine what his life was like, if his sex life was something that he wanted, if he had masturbated on that very day--perhaps he masturbated to me?  To the thought of me, and my wife, and perhaps his thoughts were even more unspeakable, untenable thoughts that could be littered even on an Internet anonymous blog.

I think I want to move to New York.  Or Portland, Oregon.  Or Houston.  Somewhere where I can be rid of this life, and start anew.  But sex is not the reason to divorce, especially as I pontificated the consequences of my abandon.  When I was "free" to do whatever I pleased, I certainly did not get as frequent as that twice monthly allowance that I am bestowed upon these days, and that loneliness, suffocating loneliness that I could not stand when I was young, and single, and pathetically afraid of being effeminate.  So I hid it.  I lied and torn myself apart in it, and compensated my unfortunate romantic life with tedious, torturous "work", as we call it, that I could only describe it as an addiction.  The paradoxical pleasure of the self-flagellating catholic was the model of my early 20s.  I was ugly, irrational, damaged by rejection after rejection.  Nobody knew about it.  Who would I tell?  My golf buddies or people I went out and drank with every once a while?

This is how orgasm works.  As it comes out a taste of that dreariness leaves you in a few seconds of contractions, as your spirit leaves you, your body becomes a shell of an existence and transparent in time like an empty glass.

My doctor suggested an antidepressant.  I eerily fancied that bubbling dull numbness setting in and stuffing my seminal vesicles like cotton balls in a pill bottle, and I would triumphantly wave that magical wand of Prozac at my wife, yelling, "look! I don't need you."  But my desire is the only part of me that is still alive, and I need to feel that something of life is still being produced inside of me, as it comes out, evoking yet another episode of uncontrollable spasm, temporarily whitening out my ego and superego.

6 comments:

  1. ur life is tough! make a change!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've walked in your shoes for much of my 28 years of marriage. I've found that my wife's satisfaction stems from our children first, with me being a distant second. It's almost as if a switch is flipped when children inter the relationship, then we become secondary and sex rare. This is entirely yours and my wife's issue. Husbands tend to own it and that is a big issue. I remember your original blog, as I found it, when I was struggling and beginning to deal with the issue 8 years ago. What removed much of the resentment and anger I felt was a relationship I formed with a struggling woman blogger. We become close are still are. Her circumstances is live were very tough and it became my outlet. Our relationship became known to my wife when I left my cell unattended. Sometime after that I directed my wife to read her blog, which she did and then I explained my role. Last November after 6 years, I met the blogger for the first time. Although we have never had sex, we are very intimate. She has become my confidant, a sounding board if you will. This relationship has greatly reduced the strain of loneliness that a sexless marriage produces. In short, you need another woman in your life whether as a lover or confidant. One unexpected outcome of my wife’s knowledge of this “other” woman is that she is much more “available” for sex. However one big complaint of mine remains. My wife doesn’t initiate sex and remains an unenthusiastic lover. I no longer accept that as my failing, it is hers. Recently my wife has been pushing me to accept a job at a company that pays very well but is known to abuse its employees. I have a very good in at the company and yesterday I said I would apply despite the long commute but on the condition that I get a daily blowjob. She agreed saying she would happily take it for the team. In short as I see your situation, you sit your wife down and say that she’s got three options, a joint effort to improve your (as in the collective) love life, you taking a lover or divorce. Be firm. fo4

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  3. A few things I forgot to mention but maybe obvious, couples therapy is in order and second it is a fact that married women are much quicker and more likely to pull the trigger on divorce than their spouses when they find themselves in unhappy marriages. f04

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi there,

    We just found your blog and are interested in reading more. We are looking at past posts of yours. However, we would like to touch base with you on a private email or blog. We put our blog below. email us through there (don't want to post an email here so we can avoid spam)so we know how to touch base with you. That is if you are interested in chatting.

    http://beyondourbedroom.blogspot.com/


    ReplyDelete
  5. Have you considered light straying?

    ReplyDelete
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