Wednesday, February 27, 2013

to tell or not to tell

Having had some time to think things through, I realized that I'm at a point in life where I have to make some difficult decisions.  Relationship with D is as bad as ever, even though neither of us is really making it difficult to live with each other.  She's really doing well at work these days, and really on her way to be floating along the partnership track.  Yesterday she asked me where I would like to take a vacation, Aspen or Bora Bora.  Ridiculous question if there is ever one.  Ever since she turned 30 I've been finding her more and more attractive, especially with her erstwhile slightly pudgy cheeks carved sharper by the imperceptible blades of time.  She washes herself more carefully now, and her privates are more invitingly pink and lasciviously delicious between my lips, with only tender sensitivity that burns me with flames of desire every time I put my head between her smooth, sparkling thighs.

"Wherever I can get a good fuck," I blurted out naughtily, with a mischievous grin.  It was a flashback of our earlier years of incessant tickling flirtations.

She rolled her eyes, of course.  She went on to talk about getting the kids to take skiing lessons.  All I could think about was how I need to bring up this conversation because I could not stand it any longer. Yet words invariably escape me.  

The fact of the matter is, my wife and I have problems that run much deeper than our lack of sex, I think.  I think she wants things that I cannot offer her, and she sees the world differently than I do.  As our twenties rolled by, her talent mitigated her insatiable desire to roll over everybody and everything, including my admittedly fragile ego.  We have less and less to talk about, and the meals are full of silences, dark, enigmatic silences.  Five years ago I was make substantially more money than she did, and that streak didn't continue.  I felt the traditional gender roles collapsing onto me, and yet she sneered and stayed utterly oblivious to my constant insecurity and self-scrutiny.  

When I bring up these topics of conversation, she dismisses them.

I am a shell of a human being, stuck in a cliche that is as old as time itself.  Of course, I can try to escape, but since there's nowhere to break out to, there is no where to go.  I'm an ant trapped on a sphere, or a Mobius strip, and the faster I run the more I determined to leave the sooner I return to where I started.  What I do know is that I love my kids and I can't leave.  At least, not now.  If I can't leave then I can't have the heart to put my words into action, and D would be able defeat me so easily.

Last night D fell asleep next to me, and I had a monumental hard-on.  Drops of pre-cum oozed out of the orifice, and I used my thumb and index finger to make circular, tortuous motions, and it erupted embarrassingly and silently into the blanket as I held my breath.  I need to think about this, I think.  

3 comments:

  1. It was at a fairly tender age that I recognized men don't necessarily discuss issues hoping that I will offer solutions and try to help solve the problem. Nevertheless, I often cannot resist because I do like to see everyone happy. And another thing: You are obviously such a passionate, sexy, intelligent, adventurous guy and I hate to see that wasted. I want you to have plenty of mind-blowing sex, so you can share it with me here! (Selfish motive, I know.) So here I go. Vacation: Choose Bora Bora and I wonder why that is a ridiculous question – you are obviously people of means. You continue to be massively attracted to her, but sex problems are almost never about just sex, as you have observed. In the end, you cannot get anyplace until you resolve the “to tell or not to tell” in favor of the telling. And whether that means you stay or you go, you will have to tell something. I certainly don’t think you are a shell of a human being – you seem complex, complicated, introspective, wildly sexy, smart, expressive. Many of us prefer that kind of man – or those of us who like challenges prefer those kinds. I would like you to write something that does not make or imply one single self-denigrating comment. Not one-single-one. Just write all the totally wonderful, interesting, exciting, fascinating things about yourself. Like an advertisement. I promise that humility is not a virtue. Myself, I have always adored arrogant men. So show me some arrogance and then practice it for a day or so.

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  2. Very very sexy! Well done! Very nice article.

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