Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Divorce is not an answer

Some of you may wonder why I am not divorcing my wife.  We have sex at most once or twice a month.  I would like to have sex at least a few times a week.  We have tried a number of things to make this work for us, but I think the essence of it is not going to change.  I would like to divorce her, but it's not as easy as you think it is.  It's not that I can just go to a lawyer, call her up and serve her the papers. Do I really want to live a pathetic, divorcee's life with two young children requiring years of child support?  Do I really want my children to not have a father in their lives?  Do I really want to wade through some custody battle?  The answer is no.  The lack of (enough) sex is not a sufficient reason to let things collapse completely.

Am I happy?  I don't think I am.  But there are many of you out there who are just as unhappy as I am, and you figured out your various ways of coping.  I don't see how getting a handjob is hurting anybody.  Unless you make an argument that there is such a thing as a victimless crime.  That's my way.  You can judge all you want and call it whatever you wish, but while I do feel guilty about it sometimes I despise you and your moral high ground.  You don't know what you are talking about and you are just going to the same hell as I am.

12 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Interesting writing. You still have a desire. I figured out my wife really turned her back on me sexually 4 years ago or so(maybe 6)...and my entire ability to have sex is almost gone now. It devastated me. I can't even masturbate and feel satisfied. It is all evaporated. And that is after the hottest sex you ever want for 25 years, ever since we met in college.

      Sex for me was a communion between my wife and me. when I realized it was not for her, something inside me died. Now when we do have sex maybe 2 times a month, it is a physical act with no feeling of deep connection. I really am sad but with noone to talk to about it. When I was gone on trips I would be so hungry for my wife I could hardly wait to get in bed with her. Now sadly, I have no hunger for her sexually. I like sex with her, but no hunger. It is gone.

      I have lost much sensitivity in my penis and don't get hard or stay hard very well. My fantasies for masturbation don't work and my narratives fail to excite me. Sex has become dull, and frankly work. I don't even feel horney much anymore. I'm 48, but older friends still have good sex so I don't feel its age.

      I think its a sadness that stems from the notion that my wife never really understood sex as a communion and I don't think she really ever experienced it as such. She never really wanted sex much when I was rabidly horney for her, and she never really has missed it now that I'm not.

      I always wanted pleasure for her mutually, and always was willing to do things to make her feel good too, but she doesn't seem to even miss them.

      I have too many obligations to my faith and my family to ever leave, but I have thought about it more recently than ever before. (never thought of it before.) I will not leave because I must remain faithful to my family as my faith requires.

      If you continually do not have sexual connection with your wife, you too may experience a growing inability to even experience sex in the rapturous way that is still available to you.

      For me I began feeling guilty and hurt after sex when I knew she was giving me the cold shoulder in bed. That feeling began to end the relaxing after sex that is so deep. I felt hurt, sad and even that sex felt ugly somehow. I often wondered what it would be like if my desire was dead.

      Now I know. I don't wish it on anyone.

      Delete
  2. With your view of divorce in mind, consider for a minute if you would be happier in a new life. It is possible the children would benefit and be happier with a dad that is free of frustration of a sexless marriage. You have to examine yourself very carefully to determine what makes you happy and how has this condition held you back from happiness. Both you and your children deserve the best father you can possibly be. I am certain there has to be other issues between you and your wife that are producing unseen tension that your children witness. Divorce, when children are young, is very tough on both you as parents and the children. I'm not advocating for divorce but I am aware staying together for the children's sake is also poisonous.
    fo4

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  3. Other than the sex and kids there must b something good about your marriage, about your wife. Cant you find a good reason to stay married? Surely getting fucked 3x a wk isn't the only thing that can make you happy, or make your marriage a good one?
    Your wife doesnt like sex? Why?

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  4. Have an affair. Or at least have some no-strings sex. The idea that we have to have sex with only one person for the rest of our lives is outdated and goes against our biology.

    It isn't sleezy. It's normal. If you think about it, it's really quite ridiculous that someone else dictates how and who we share our body with?! When you strip away all the taboo and expectation - all sex is just someone putting their body part into one of your body parts. Which feels good.

    Why deny yourself that pleasure? No need to be a Maytr, what are you going to regret on your deathbed? Before you judge. I am a female in a long-term relationship. I think letting my man be free, makes our relationship a happier one. I do like the idea of marriage but the older I get the more I am wary of it. I think an open relationship would suit me.

    Do it.

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  5. I like the open sincerity of your blog. You're a good writer. Keep it up.

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  7. You have more support than you think. Your writing is great and I hope that you and D can find some kind of middle ground in your relationship. Love reading your blog. Keep on keepin on.

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  8. it could be of tired activities on your wife life - over and over everyday resulted she has no enough energy to make love with you, i have experience this after 10 years, we did of open heart discussing and trying many of herbs and modern medicine, and she still not having passion on sex, i suggest to her to do ORAL sex once a week (with condom as i can spread my juice in her mouth) and after practice this for few years, i felt BETTER my friend and she wanted more sex at last (at least once a week rather than once a month before) peace - simon8smith@gmail.com

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  9. Wow... You absolutely are a glass half-empty guy. You prefer a stable depressing sexless marriage than risking leaving her for the chance it might get worse. How much worse can it get? In fact, and you can trust me on this, it won't get better! If she is as happy as you are she might even decide to leave you and you won't even be able to end your marriage on your own terms.

    I've been there before, and being in a depressing sexless relationship, even with a nice house and a german car, is much worse that being single in a tiny flat. Just make sure that you remain present for your kids, and you won't believe how liberating this is.

    Wake up my friend, roll the bones!

    ReplyDelete
  10. thanks for such a nice post.........

    ReplyDelete
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